today was long...and boring and hoooooooottt...

I woke up at about 11...i took my shower and got ready to leave with my work clothes and headed out to the eye doctor where i got a new contact for my left eye cause the other was blurry. so i wanted to wear my glasses at work but i didnt bring a case for my contacts. so..anyways. go to work..and im late as usual..and kat shows up when im probably changing clothes and ends up leaving. i was like noo..after i listeend to her voice mail. she came back later on and to my suprise susan was with her. i was like..ok...?? i found out its her sister and i was like...wow...thats um..haha...i dunno. but we talked for a bit...hugged and they left. work was generally tiring and sucked. i had to unload the groc. truck all by myself again so i ended up leaving after 10.. i meant to call her...rawr...but once again i didnt ration out my time enough to do so..i ended up being busy the whole time..:/

at least i have tomorrow off...and ima go do some things. i got so many things i wanna do...and i dont think ill be home when mom is...cause she kinda pissed me off. she wanted me to get dog biscuits so i called her when i got off...and asked if i'd get em tomorrow along w/ my check. shes like ok and we hang up. i get home and the tv's on so i kinda walk into the hallway and quietly say "mom...?" tos ee if shes awake or whatever. she basically yells at me saying "What?!" and im like nevermind... she comes back out later on and bitches at me asking me if im gonna get my car serviced. ok it just pissed me off cause she did the same thing when i didnt have a car. she bitched about me not finding a job yet in hattiesburg when i had no way of even going there. then tonight i was supposed to know she was asleep when i called? shes usually up sometimes when i get home that late..so excuse me for waking you up.

so what i plan on doing...is just not being home when she will be...and just staying at books a million for a couple hours or something. so i need to go to bed soon here so i can go do stupid ass errands all day. bleh...

its amazing...*sigh* this has got to be the record for a flight and downfall. oh well nothing should ever be assumed. always know beforehand. eh it kinda sucks but hey its not my time yet. i'm kinda feeling like spiderman in a way...although that sounds really lame. the whole, can't have the girl cause you're needed for something else and can't be happy. ive just been thinking a lot. not really but like since i found out my last 'girlfriend' if you can call her that or whatever had gotten pregnant its made me think about my relationships. like she thought she could've been after i got back home and she said her mom wasn't gonna let her have it. then all this happened later on and she was gonna have it and get married to the other guy. ok i can see the whole living far away situation but fuck, im not worth it right? so i dunno i mean i wouldnt have wanted it either but like i found out after her parents did so it didnt matter about me. also made me think of were we in love? cause it didnt take long at all til she was with someone else ...and im like ok..and she was supposed to come out here this summer with her friend. that changed cause she got a 'job'. well i HAVE a job but i still took time to come see her. i guess i just feel like i was used...how sad is that? and not to mention any other relationship i try to have i fuck it up, it doesn't last long, or something just happens where it never lasts more than two weeks on average. its really sad...so excuse me while i empty my bucket of self confidence and wait for it to be filled by random people. which it only leaks right back out through the holes in the bucket.

basically my whole outlook on where im gonna be in my adulthood has changed within th elast few years dramatically. at least i'll have myself and my passions. I'll buy a guitar one day cause i want one now and play to keep myself company in my industrial looking house with large glass windows and large yard surrounded by beautiful maple trees. I just dont see myself with anyone anytime soon cause it just isn't meant to be for me. im needed for other things than to be happy so i guess i'll stay content with that. maybe one day i'll be blessed. god you dont want me to die which is obvious from living from 2-out of-3 really bad wrecks where i could've been severely injured but walked away without a scratch.

i wish i had more faith in things and people. i wish we could've stayed together in a way cause i was hoping i could turn my life around with your help. i lost my thought on the most of that just now..but *sigh* im just gonna stop now cause i'm gonna end up babling and :/ im tired.